It’s just so exhausting to pretend you are alright when you literally want to get your arms around a specific person so muchhhhhh
Coffee, rhymes and overthinking.
My mind’s too occupied with words yet nothing can explain how I feel right now.
I need you rn, at 1:30 pm when all i wanna do is to sleep the exhaustion of the week, and I need you here beside me, to kiss my hair and my neck, and hold me as if we are the only persons existing in this tiring world.
you were so enthralled
with how it was just so easy
to be just YOU
around me, it was so addicting
like you were literally peeling off your skin
without the fear of being stripped
being just so carefree-
words freed, your existence unbounded
you say it was so liberating;
but I was held captive- the glimmer in your eyes;
like brokenness I was made to nurse
you- sparkling, and breaking- it’s bewitching
a parade of old troubles and chaos marching
dancing in OUR tiny worlds,
no price to pay; it was just YOU and ME
along all your unnamed curses and tragedies
to me, you’re my weary soldier of earth
and I am your breath of serenity
I am the enraptured addict-
a secret keeper; trouble nurser; paying a grand salute
But to you, I am just a phase- your space when you feel little and scared
forgotten when YOU’RE too brave
disowned at your own expense; reclaimed at your own convenience
Because, it’s just a phase- you wanting to rest, and I am just the rest, just a phase.
AN, But honey, I want more than just being a phase (05-17-2022; 12:19 AM)
Do you feel it too? Like it’s a brand new day, yet you feel like a ghost. Like it’s that the sun is at its hottest, but you are freezing inside. Because I’ve been like that for weeks, and please do tell me it’s not only me in this era. Tell me there are others who also feel this way, because I am starting to doubt myself if I should still be breathing out life like this.
Why do I feel like I am just an escape from all the miseries you have in life right now? It feels like I am just an easy way out.
I am so sad right now. I am so sadddddd. Talking just complicates a lot of things. I’d rather keep what’s going on my mind than to voice these out to the people I know. They care about me, I know that. But I am very much ashamed. I think I made a wrong decision. I made them all happy. I was happy but for some hours only. And right now, here I am wanting to throw myself in a mad ocean and just let its mostrous waves engulf my whole being until I hear no more, see no more, think no more.
Why does it always feel like it’s a total risk when you let people enter your life? This is what I am always afraid of- letting people in. Perhaps, that is why I find it really hard to find an energy that matches my soul. I always hide behind vague words and feelings. Always blaming the other person for being indefinite, but the real deal is that I am the one to be blamed, because I am always scared.
Maybe I wasn’t ready to be unlocked. Maybe I was terrified of entering a new world too. I don’t know where all of these frights are coming from. Maybe I need to figure it out first before making myself believe that I am ready.
I don’t wanna associate you to any word, or to any feast of rhymes and figures because I know when I do that, you’ll be kept alive in me, even if you’re already gone.